The Biggest Gift of Letting Go!

It’s Saturday, 14th February, Valentine’s day, and I decided this was the weekend I needed to give myself a gift. Without even realising it at the time, but reflecting back, I see it as one the biggest gifts of self-love I have ever given myself. The gift, painting my bedroom a bold new colour, Bermuda Grass and so much more.

It had taken me months to choose the colour, find my energy and take the necessary actions to actually do it.

“Here you go, take a look at the colour to make sure it’s what you want” the Bunnings sales assistant said as she was opening the can after mixing it up. The lid came off,

“Shit! That’s like fluro green” I burst out “I wasn’t expecting that!”

“Well, do you still want it?” the assistant, sounding rather annoyed, asked. “Well I guess so, may as well give it a go.” laughing it off, but deep inside going Oh shit! I’m not sure.

Here I am, dragging my bed into the centre of my room, getting out all the art and furniture, thinking about what the hell has brought me to this point of painting my room in Bermuda Green, a colour that I’m not entirely sure I like and when I really love the colour I already have, a beautiful Aqua Blue. It had been on my walls for about ten years, I chose it because it represented a time of transformation for me. When I really began to step out of the chaos that was present in my life, letting go of a long term relationship that was destructive. After a long period of soul searching I knew I had to get out. I did, and shortly after my beautiful little house was robbed. The relationship, the robbery, felt deeply violating. I let my partner steal my life and the thief stole personal underwear that no thief would ever find valuable, and yet to my horror this is what they took. So to shift this dense, chaotic energy out, I painted my room Aqua Blue, in search of emotional clarity, inner peace and rejuvenation.

Now, I find myself, 10 years later, in a new round of honest self evaluation. Instinctively I knew, it’s time to consciously acknowledge what’s working and what isn’t in my life. It's time to let go of habits, commitments, and expectations that are draining me and re-ignite my motivation through compassion, true self-acceptance and love. I couldn’t line up a better opportunity for this self exploration, being in the final days of the Chinese ‘Year of the Snake’ The shedding of old skin to allow for the new to strengthen, form and take its place.

The paint roller in hand, systematically moving up and down the wall, regulating my pace so a consistent layer of paint spreads out across the wall. A smooth, steady rhythm sets in, opening up for a meditative space to emerge, where my heart is leading, as my brain is fully occupied with the need for precision and focus on the walls and paint. 

I drop into reflecting on what is no longer working for me, and I feel an overpowering concern rising up inside me with one question? Why do I need to drink? Since Christmas and the excuse of the New Year celebrations, I had managed to find a reason to make it ok to drink every night. At first, with friends and family and then once back at work, getting home of an evening, a drink helped me transition and wind down from the stress of the day. What was I doing? Why was I doing this? I was scared, I didn’t like it, or myself. The feeling of self-hate and criticism, disconnection from joy and a negative, lack luster energy for life was slowly creeping in and taking hold.

The picture of my adult life was shaping before me and I could see how my relationship with alcohol had allowed me to avoid building a true relationship with myself. Instead, I was able to numb out the self-doubt and lack of trusting myself, that continued to rear its head, rather than sit with it, to unpack and explore why this was present, what I need to look at in myself to change. 

Before I knew it I had come to the end of the first coat of paint in the room, it felt uncomfortable, not sure that I liked it. But I said to myself, trust the process, it’s only the first layer, have a break, dinner, come back and paint another layer.

I walked out into the kitchen, scanning the time on the clock, its 5pm, perfect time for a drink. Hey, a reward for all the good work I’ve done today. I pause, I have a choice in front of me. I know the drinking is no longer something that serves me, I serve it, it makes me feel heavy about myself and misaligned in my life right now. So why keep doing it?  Am I ready to release it and move forward? To feel lighter in my life and love myself a little more versus continuing to sabotage myself and keep myself small?

I walked back into my room and picked up the paint brush. I choose me. I choose to trust myself, to trust the process, sit in the uncomfortableness of change and build a relationship with myself, layer by layer. I choose self-love on Valentine’s Day.