To Change or Not to Change?

I knew I wanted to change, but how?

I knew I wanted to change but what does that even mean, I didn’t even understand what I needed to change.

I’m in my thirties, an actor, committed, working my butt off, covering all angles, getting out there, networking, going to classes, auditioning, meeting people, sending out tapes, talking to casting directors, getting an agent, building a career for myself and on and on and on and yet …Why’s it not working for me?

What am I doing wrong? Am I making the wrong choices about my characters? Am I pretty enough? Why am I not the look they want? Is my accent a problem? Am I too old? Am I not good enough? And on and on and on my negative self-talk grew stronger and stronger and stronger.

As you can see, I was in a vicious spiral of putting myself out there and bravely going for what I wanted and yet … the energy I was carrying with me was a recipe made of a pinch of self-doubt, a spoonful of self-loathing and a cup over flowing of the fear and belief that I’m just not good enough and I don’t deserve success.

But rather than leaning in to – Why do I feel not good enough and undeserving of success - I leaned further into building my acting muscle, gaining more experience, just brush off the rejections and keep going, have belief in my ability and my time for success will come. That’s how I will change it for me, work more, work harder, be better and all will be well!

Still, I didn’t grasp or see the importance of self-belief in me. That was the key to unlocking my stagnation and freeing me to live from a place of authentic strength, grounded in my truth and trust of self, with the belief that who I am, is simply - Good Enough.

So you see, I knew I wanted to change, but I missed the core of what I needed to change. My negative beliefs and patterns about myself. They were the root cause of my issues, and yet they were so strong I couldn’t go there on my own, I blocked it all out.

And so the spiral of putting myself out there, constantly coming up against what I considered to be failure went on and on and on, years and years and years, until I was empty, burnt-out with no more energy to give to myself or acting.

I felt annihilated, exhausted. My joy for life, gone, my relationships in a mess and hating myself even more, what they hell do I do now? Again, I’d gone full circle and landed back to the question that I started this journey with - I knew I wanted to change but what does that even mean, I didn’t even understand what I needed to change.

I tried this journey of growth on my own, alone. If I could wind back the clock and do it all again, I would have done it differently.

But I got very lucky! A dear friend simply suggested to meet with her coach and mentor. She was helping her and she reckoned it would be good for me. So I thought, why not, what have I got to loose?

Well, I never looked back, this was a gift, a blessing in my life, meeting my guide, my coach, who was able to hold space for me, help me lean in to myself and all my old negative beliefs and patterns about myself. Taking time and care in my journey of unpacking them and re-learning to love, accept and connect with my true self, who I am in the now, not live in the expectation of who I thought I should be.

The opportunity of working with a person who generously provided me experience and tools to help me grow and expand into living from a place of great joy, with a newly built capacity to navigate life and all it’s glorious, humbling, exhilarating and challenging moments. Living from a grounded sense of self and being. I am forever grateful.

I learnt amazing things about myself, my strengths, and still to this day, they guide me down my river of life!

Now, I offer this for you. I share all my experience and learnings in a space where I guide you, safely exploring and growing into your beautiful journey ahead.

You don’t need to do it alone. I’m here.

Kim xxx